Monday, January 9, 2012

Seriously Steve Madden Has It Out For Me

So not only does Steve Madden hate me, but I really think he's trying to kill me. And the most puzzling thing about this is that I just don't know what I did to him except wear his shoes and look pretty good in them. I mean maybe this was my fault. I was walking after all.

Halloween weekend (yes it's been a while since I posted) I went to a wine tasting with a girlfriend of mine. It was  a pretty nasty day, there was some sort of horrible sleety cold grossness happening. By the time I made it from the metro to the hotel for the wine tasting I was a solid block of cold. We spent a couple hours sampling wines from around the world and about a half hour before we left I cut myself off. I was feeling fine and on the edge of falling over so I decided to be wise and resist the last half dozen tables. Except maybe I did have one taste of this Moscato flavored with orange blossoms...but the point is I cut myself off.

I will now correct what I neglected to say initially and mention that I was wearing the same Steve Madden boots that caused me to fall down twice in the airport.

As we were leaving we concurred that the couple cubes of cheese we'd had just weren't cutting it and decided to have dinner. We went to Cleveland Park near her place to a restaurant that specializes in meat. I love meat.

We walked in, and I put one foot on their super shiny slippery fake wood floor and it was all over.

With one foot on the mat holding me in place, the other shot out and I wavered fighting for balance with everything in me. In those few seconds while I flailed my arms about desperate to not fall I managed to see my friend and everyone else there turn to me with horrified faces. Then it was all over and I fell on my face.

Now it's possible that the fall may have had something to do with highly waxed fake wood, sleet, and a slightly worn out heel (I was not drunk, thank you*) but given my track record with these boots I think this was, in fact, Steve Madden's second attempt on my life.

One of the most annoying things about falling down in public is that people, well except in Taiwan, don't just let you lay there. If you fall down, especially on your face, you not only need but want a few moments to yourself. You need to do a quick mental check to see if anything's broken and gather up your shattered dignity before anyone slips on it. What you don't need is hysterical restauranteur terrified that you're going to sue** for overly slippery floors flapping around you trying to haul you up and dust you off. I got up and somewhat stiffly made my way to our table insisting that I was fine. I was a bit sore and unfortunately could feel that the little headache I already had was growing but there was meat to be eaten.

After the meat we went back to her place. By now my head was raging and I quickly swallowed one of my previous migraine pills. I was having what I believed to be the worst migraine I'd had in years. Mine vary in pain level and while the pain and light/sound/smell sensitivity are never fun times; I'm lucky enough that I usually don't get the nausea and vomiting. Not so this time. This was my first visit to my friend's new apartment and I got to know her bathroom really well. Really really well. I had also wasted my migraine medication as it didn't stay in my stomach long enough to do anything. When I felt that I could move without more vomiting she drove me home. The 10 minute was even worse than the metro ride after I broke my neck. But I got home and immediately reacquainted myself with my own bathroom. I went to bed with ice packs wrapped around my head and a fervent prayer that it would be gone when I woke up.

Somewhat miraculously it was! I was a little dizzy and tired from not having slept well (which meant I nodded off one or two more times during church than usual) but no pain! Hurrah!

Later that day I talked to my mom to find out how she was enjoying her visit to my sister and brother-in-law in Florida. I mentioned the fall because now that my migraine was gone I could look back on it with humor. I also mentioned the horrible migraine I had had. She in turn mentioned this to my sister who told me that I was an idiot and that I hadn't had a migraine; I had a concussion.

Huh. My mind never even went there. I mean why would it? Massive stabbing burning pain on one side of my head + dizzy + nausea = migraine. Apparently it also equals concussion especially when coupled with that nodding off I'd been doing all day (which yay turns out I'm not a bad Catholic after all!). I thought about the fall again and realized that she was probably rights. I did hit my head on the way down and I'd assumed that knock had just turned a small headache into a major production.

Fall breakdown: 1. Slipped and went into a splits position
                2. Landed initially on my left knee
                   3. Slammed my head onto the floor

So conclusion...Steve Madden who, to my knowledge, has no power to cause migraines, has now made his second attempt on my life with this really cute pair of boots. I continue to wear the boots because I refuse to let him intimidate me.

*Yes yes maybe I was a little tipsy but tipsy is not drunk.
**Apparently in the end said restauranteur wasn't terrified enough over the prospect of being sued as we didn't even get complimentary dessert.

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